As the violence gets worse, Mandy’s frustrations briefly boil over.
(CONTENT WARNING: This story will deal with sexual violence and mental illness. See Help Links for more information about these issues.)
KATY: This is Spaceshock episode two. We’re feeling a bit green what with all the blood and monsters and fast cuts, but the show must go on.
MANDY: I should add that we haven’t really been sick. Katy was only joking.
KATY: (MAKES VOMITING SOUNDS)
MANDY: Oh, Katy. That’s horrid. … And that was a joke too. If you could see us, you’d see that Katy is quite alright really. That’s a very big gun, isn’t it?
KATY: Yes, it was much better than the old one. Splat!
MANDY: Good shot.
KATY: It won’t be the last of them.
MANDY: You’re very full of beans here.
KATY: I wasn’t paying attention and I ran into a door frame. It’s often said that we had wobbly cardboard sets, but we didn’t. It was solid wood and it hurt.
MANDY: This is a very big spaceship coming over.
KATY: It’s only a model.
MANDY: It’s a very good model. They spent a lot more on the effects in this series.
KATY: And a lot less on everything else.
MANDY: People’s expectations were so much higher. Because of the films.
KATY: And the Americans had ruined children’s programmes. It was all talking helicopters and bad acting.
MANDY: The acting wasn’t as important in that sort of thing. It was all to do with the shooting. And the cars blowing up.
KATY: It wasn’t really drama. It was just to make children want toys.
MANDY: Well, yes. Vicky was obsessed with She-Ra. We had to buy her all the figures. And the castle. I was so tired of watching it with her. The writing and acting were appalling.
KATY: And there you were, sitting at home knowing you could do so much better.
MANDY: I love my children to bits and I wouldn’t give them up for the world. I just wish it hadn’t been either or. Men didn’t have to choose.
KATY: It isn’t fair. You could have been-
MANDY: The show must go on. What’s happening now?
KATY: Danny La Rue wants to blow something up. And cut. Now this is better lighting.
MANDY: I think this is on the other spaceship. They must be the baddies, which is why they’re in the dark.
KATY: Who are they?
MANDY: I’m not sure.
KATY: I don’t recognise the voices. Will we see their faces later on?
MANDY: I’ve got a feeling we only see their hands.
KATY: I suppose it’s cheaper.
MANDY: Eww, more corpses.
KATY: … That’s an even worse pun.
MANDY: Yes, it’s in very bad taste.
KATY: Oh, it’s these two again.
MANDY: Are you sure you don’t know them?
KATY: I’ve no idea.
MANDY: You’re not teasing me again, are you?
KATY: No. Honestly.
MANDY: They’re rather funny. It’s not all gory horror. Oh. It is.
KATY: Cut. Lots of them! Cut. Urrrrghh!
MANDY: Oh dear. Perhaps Mary Whitehouse was right to complain about this.
KATY: If she’d only complained about this. But she complained every week. She was the miserable old woman who cried wolf.
MANDY: The writer was very bloodthirsty. I’m not sure who it was because they used a pseudonym.
KATY: I think I can guess, but we’re not supposed to say in case it causes trouble.
MANDY: I should explain that although Derek Pedderton gave the new series his blessing, he didn’t write much of it. He was busy developing something for the other side, and it took a long time to get started.
KATY: Yes, I think he’d seen how popular Robin of Sherwood was, and he wanted to do the same sort of thing for Boadicea. They asked me to be in it, but I wouldn’t have done it for anything.
MANDY: You didn’t fancy running up and down the Pennines in your underwear?
KATY: I’d already had hypothermia once. That was enough. At first, or so I’ve heard, Derek wanted all the barbarians to fight in the nude!
MANDY: That would never have been shown.
KATY: No, not even on Channel Four.
MANDY: And I should also have said that this series was produced by Sarah Stimlott.
KATY: A woman in charge at last.
MANDY: She was so lovely.
KATY: I used to think she was grumpy, but I suppose I wasn’t always on my best behaviour.
MANDY: She was under lots of pressure from the people upstairs. Some of them didn’t want any science fiction because it was so expensive.
KATY: I think they were frightened of the government too.
MANDY: Well, perhaps we shouldn’t go into that.
KATY: Because they’re still frightened of the government.
MANDY: Danny’s being awfully bossy.
KATY: I love the idea of putting a panto dame in something like this. It makes it more fun.
MANDY: I think it upset some of the fans at the time.
KATY: God, yes. Never remind grown men that they’re watching a children’s programme.
MANDY: These days lots of fans love this sort of thing. They’re all different really. Some of them are very sweet.
KATY: Yes, and some of them are very clever.
MANDY: We had a good crowd at the weekend, didn’t we?
KATY: Oh, absolutely. I did enjoy it.
MANDY: Oh! That made me jump.
KATY: She’s a good screamer, whoever she is.
MANDY: This is very unusual because I didn’t usually have a gun.
KATY: Everyone has guns in stories like this. Cut. Running through corridor. Cut. Monsters. Cut. Bang!
MANDY: We’ve got it open at last.
KATY: That was a good death. Whoever he was.
MANDY: Ah! I think it was Emmerdale Farm, but a long time after I did it.
KATY: … Neutrons don’t have polarity. I could have told them that when I was fifteen.
MANDY: I hated doing the bafflegab. It was so hard to remember.
KATY: Run. Cut. Shout. Cut. Models. Cut. More running. Big red button! And … nothing happens.
MANDY: It’s still broken? Oh, a loose wire. She’s very brave here.
KATY: She broke it in the first place. Whoosh! Wow!
MANDY: That was the paintbox thing, wasn’t it?
KATY: It must have been to do that. The gloved hands aren’t very pleased. You’re right, we haven’t see their faces.
MANDY: And that’s the end of Spaceshock. I have to say, perhaps I didn’t enjoy this one quite as much as some of them.
KATY: It must be bad.
MANDY: Next time, we’ll be going underground. Until then, it’s goodbye from Amanda Cadewell.
KATY: And goobye from- Arrgh! It’s got me!
MANDY: For the viewers at home, Katy is only teasing. Please don’t have nightmares.
KATY: Not my head!