Katy is very, very bored.
(CONTENT WARNING: This story will deal with sexual violence and mental illness. See Help Links for more information about these issues.)
KATY: This is episode two of the one with the dustbins, although we haven’t seen them yet.
MANDY: I expect they’re saving that for later. It’s known as the monster reveal.
KATY: It’s a cheap trick. Oh look, a monster. Not very good drama.
MANDY: The children love it, though.
KATY: And Mary Whitehouse didn’t, so that’s something.
MANDY: I think they’re going to lock us up again.
KATY: We haven’t really done anything yet. It’s all running around.
MANDY: Oh look. You adjusted your skirt when you thought no-one was looking.
KATY: It was always riding up. It’s lucky I’m not tied up because I needed my hands free to sort it out.
MANDY: It would have been a bit much to tie us up when we’re already locked in a cell.
KATY: We can still get up to some mischief. They wouldn’t keep us in here for the whole episode. Or would they?
MANDY: I’m sure we’ll escape.
KATY: Oh yes, you’re using your magic powers.
MANDY: That was easy.
KATY: More sneaking around. This is the same as the last one.
MANDY: Oh, it’s Philip’s turn to give a speech now.
KATY: This is the same as the last one too.
MANDY: I think it’s a different speech.
KATY: Yes, but he’s saying the same sort of things that he said after John’s speech.
MANDY: I could happily listen to Philip Madoc reading out a shopping list.
KATY: This script isn’t as good as a shopping list.
MANDY: This is a lovely bit with John Bailey, isn’t it?
KATY: Yes, he’s very expressive. He could always find something, even in a script like this.
MANDY: Oh, but Graham isn’t having any of it.
KATY: And he’s saying the same things as before. But it’s still very funny.
MANDY: Meanwhile, on location.
KATY: Are we going to hide in the gasworks forever? Or are we going to get captured and escape again?
MANDY: Well, they had to pad it out a bit to fill six episodes.
KATY: SIX?! Bloody hell. I’m fed up already.
MANDY: Don’t worry, Katy. I think the other ones are missing.
KATY: I hope they never find them.
MANDY: Now, this is quite exciting, isn’t it?
KATY: I suppose so. …
MANDY: Oh dear. Where now? … Ted Furnage again. I hope he got more money for all this. … All these pipes and things are very impressive. It was the perfect location. … That one looks like Hitler, doesn’t he?
KATY: He was in lots of different things.
MANDY: Who? Hitler? … My bum looks dreadful in this shot.
KATY: Mmm, yes.
MANDY: Are you listening, Katy? … Now, this is a bit different, isn’t it? … Isn’t it, Katy? … Katy, please could you stop playing with your phone?
KATY: Oh, sorry. I’ve got a text from Sophie.
MANDY: Oh, lovely. How is she?
KATY: Fine, I think. It’s about the convention this weekend.
MANDY: I’m looking forward to that.
KATY: It makes me laugh when people call it a con.
MANDY: Don’t be rude, Katy.
KATY: I didn’t always like them. I couldn’t understand why grown men would queue up just to get my autograph. I like to think I’m good at acting, but there’s nothing special about my handwriting.
MANDY: I felt very humbled that so many people liked me. At my first one, there was a sweet little boy whose mum brought him. I had a nice chat with her, but I think he was a bit put out.
KATY: Boys don’t want their space heroines to be like their mums. Even the grown men are like little boys. They’re so upset if they don’t get their own way.
MANDY: You mustn’t forget that a great deal of our fans are women.
KATY: I know, but the worst ones are the loudest, and they’re all men.
MANDY: I’m amazed that fans know so much.
KATY: Some of them go on like Fluellen.
MANDY: That’s not very kind, Katy. They’ll be listening.
KATY: They won’t know what I mean. I bet they never ask about your Ophelia.
MANDY: Now, that reminds me of a sketch I did with Little and Large. Syd and I were having a serious conversation about Shakespeare, but Eddie would butt in with silly questions about Time Girls.
KATY: That’s quite clever.
MANDY: Yes, it is. I don’t think they get the credit they deserve.
KATY: Oh dear. This must have been very embarassing for poor old John Bennett.
MANDY: But he did it. He was always very professional. And really, it’s only like Aladdin.
KATY: Urgh, I won’t do that one. I love panto, but not when it’s racist. And it’s more popular than ever. There used to be lots of different ones in the old days, but now they’re all the same.
MANDY: I suppose we’re lucky it hasn’t gone the same way as rep.
KATY: Well, yes, but it’s not as good as it used to be. These days they get people from awful things like the X Factor. They can’t do panto. They can’t do anything. We were trained, and we worked hard in the theatre. They get straight onto telly and it makes them famous for nothing. Then the tabloids knock them down again. For nothing. It’s-
MANDY: Oh whoops! (WHISPERING) I think we just saw your knickers.
KATY: That’s not me. They said it was too dangerous for me to climb up there, so they made Ian Slaith dress up in my costume.
MANDY: He carries it off rather well. What a wiggle!
KATY: Years later, a fan asked me to sign a pair of knickers because of this scene. When I told him he’d really seen Ian’s knickers, he went ballistic. I couldn’t understand it.
MANDY: At the American conventions, they have minders to protect you from all that.
KATY: I’m still not allowed over there.
MANDY: This is you now. You look very high up.
KATY: They shot it with a wide angle lens. Really I was only three feet off the ground.
MANDY: And here comes Ian again, not in drag any more.
KATY: In the first take, I did this bit wrong and really punched him. He was very sweet about it.
MANDY: There he goes!
KATY: The stuntmen made me feel very powerful. I just had to flick my wrist and they’d do all these amazing somersaults.
MANDY: It is very spectacular.
KATY: And it was all for nothing because they’ve got us again.
KATY: The same cliffhanger as before. And we still haven’t seen the dustbins.
MANDY: And we won’t, because sadly this is all that’s left of Rise of the Robons.
KATY: If anyone watching finds any of the missing episodes, please, please, please set fire to them.
MANDY: Oh, Katy. You are awful.
KATY: Don’t leave them in a skip, because someone else might find them. I suppose you could fling them into some water. If it’s very deep.
MANDY: That’s enough, Katy. Goodbye everyone.